Ghost of Thanksgiving past pigeonholes, puts down millennials

By: 
Krayton Kerns
Veterinarian

Thanksgiving moved above Christmas as my favorite holiday during my four years of undergraduate studies. My reasons were four. First, most universities cancel classes from the day before Thanksgiving through Black Friday, so if I cut class on Monday and Tuesday I could reward myself with a nine-day vacation. Even though my grades were less than stellar, I felt entitled to this break because nine days away would be great for my self-esteem. In 1975, self-esteem was just being championed as the single most important trait of one’s psyche. My dad was old school and questioned doing things just to make you feel good about yourself. I cut class anyway.
Reason two: Thanksgiving break is the perfect holiday for ranch kids, as the hay is stacked, the calves have been shipped and the cows are likely still out on grass. This puts the family, forced-labor bar so low it is practically resting on the ground.
Reason three: It was pheasant season. Wyoming’s upland bird season runs through November and the foothills of the Big Horn Mountains are prime pheasant country. December duck hunting would score the 30-day Christmas break above Thanksgiving for scatter-gun collegians, were it not for my final reason.
After being at college since August, my mother was excited to have me home for Thanksgiving. She fed me three squares every day, did my laundry, made my bed and stuffed my hunting bag with cookies when I left for an outing. Unfortunately, this Prince of Pass Creek treatment carried a nine-day expiration and it was potentially dangerous trying to milk the royal treatment through the entire Christmas break. Considering my four reasons, I pondered how today’s millennials score Thanksgiving?
Self-esteem still pollutes academia, so reason one stands. Ranch kids are a dying breed, representing a small minority of the millennials, so reason two is insignificant. College students returning for a fourth year as a freshman have been heavily indoctrinated to support gun control. Most are progressive, non-hunters, so would protest, rather than eagerly anticipate, Thanksgiving pheasant hunts. This retires reason three and brings me to number four.
A happy holiday homecoming requires millennials to have previously moved out of their parent’s basement. By move out, I mean taking your Antifa face masks, Che Guevara t-shirts, NORML flag and X-Box game controllers and living independently in another city. For absence to make the heart grow fonder, first you must be absent. So, millennials, what scores higher, Thanksgiving or Christmas? Happy Thanksgiving.

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