Perfect gifts for men are easy; no equivalent for women

Ramblings of a Conservative Cow Doctor
By Krayton Kerns

I gained expertise in meaningful Christmas presents after failing my first gift exchange with my trophy girlfriend. I was 16 years old and because I was raised with brothers plus boy cousins, choosing a girl gift was overwhelming. I frantically searched, but eventually gave up, hoping Christmas might escape her notice. It didn’t and she dumped me over the holidays.
Here is what I learned over the next 42 Christmases: Contrary to campus conventional wisdom, men and women are different. Buy a man a tool and all the world becomes his workshop and to men over 30, nothing says “I love you” like an arc welder. This advice does not apply to male, college-age snowflakers, as their desired present appears to be Starbuck’s gift cards, capris pants or pointy, pixie shoes. You ladies are on your own if you picked one of those fellas for a mate.
For unknown reasons, women do not view kitchen appliances with the same esteem a man holds tools. It is foolish to expect your trophy wife to open a blender Christmas morning and honestly gush, “Just what I always wanted!” Gifts labeled Cuisinart are one small step above skipping Christmas entirely, which brings me to my point.
While thumbing through December’s “American Hunter,” I spotted a display ad for beaver fur blankets. The trophy wife has a favorite heavy blanket, but I could imagine her curled up in a new fur blanket in front of a warm fireplace, sipping a merlot just like the model in the ad. I searched their website knowing this could be the perfect gift. Hoping to get it delivered by Christmas, I clicked on the large beaver blanket and suffered sticker shock. It cost just a few degrees south of six grand,​ plus shipping. Now what?
How can I put a price on the girl who has been mine for 43 years? What is the value of a wife who doesn’t complain about sharing the same rain-soaked sleeping bag with me plus our three skinny kids, knowing she’ll only sleep a couple hours before rising to cook breakfast for our cattle drive guests? What is the worth of a wife who laughs after mistakenly receiving nasty e-mails meant for me when I chaired the House Judiciary Committee? She is a Proverbs 31 wife and her worth is above rubies … but she is getting a blender.

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