Naptime preferred to progressive cuddling

Krayton Kerns
Thursday, April 11, 2019
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Ramblings of a Conservative Cow Doctor

Calving heifers and sleep deprivation are buddies. Decades back, my older brother, Dana, and his wife, Alice attended evening childbirth classes during calving season thanks to bad timing or bad fences. On the second of the weekly classes the expectant parents were practicing relaxation exercises and when Dana assumed the prone position, his internal switch clicked off and he quickly began snoring. This would have been the most embarrassing moment of Alice’s life were it not for Dana’s previous prenatal shenanigans. While addressing birth physiology during week one, the instructor asked the group if anyone knew the term when a mother’s pelvis is too small to deliver a baby? “A cull,” Dana blurted. Apparently, this was not the preferred answer. Dana and Alice birthed three boys over the next eight years so apparently passed the class.

Interrupted sleep also afflicts veterinarians. I have had few nighttime calving disruptions this spring, so my wrung-out appearance is mostly selfinflicted. The trophy wife and I roll out of bed at a quarter-tofour every morning and consume our first couple cups of coffee during our half-hour Bible study. After a 45-minute workout on the Bowflex, we are out the door for a 5 to 10-mile run which puts us back for breakfast around seven o’clock. We have done this so long, I rise at four every morning. I am as bad as a retired dairy farmer meandering the deserted beaches of Maui two hours before daybreak. The trophy wife questions the wisdom of marrying a ranch kid, but after 40 years she has too much invested in me to start over. Last Monday night, I hit the pillow and was out cold for eight, straight hours. I awakened tanned, rested and ready or as tan as a pale Irishman can be in early spring. I did feel rested but quickly discovered too much sleep can also be problematic which brings me to my point.

While reading the Billings Gazette over Tuesday’s breakfast I spotted a news story making me wonder if I had pulled a Rip Van Winkle? The headline boasted, “Men’s cuddling group aims to redefine masculinity and heal trauma.” This Plymouth, Pennsylvania group has been hugging twice monthly for two years, so is the champion of the men’s cuddling trend which is sweeping progressive cities across America. Progressive social engineering is not normal. This is one more small step to a progressive genderless utopia where men are women, women are men and the rest are undecided. We residents of cow country do not need a hug, but we might need a nap.

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