Horse Apples, Cow Pies and Climate Change

Thursday, February 21, 2019
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Ramblings of a Conservative Cow Doctor

This is a re-write of a 2007 column. The truth has not changed but back then Democratic-Socialist Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was only 18 so if she read this paper, she apparently missed my point. Once again, to keep this column dinner table appropriate I will substitute the five-letter word “spoof”, for the four-letter “f” word for flatulence. Here we go.

Cows are anterior fermenters meaning their massive fermentation vat is located at the start of their digestive tract. Open a cow’s mouth, stuff in grass, water, corn stalks and old cedar fence posts and rumen microbes will digest it and kick-out a T-bone. Isn’t that amazing? This ability to up-cycle useless roughages into deliciously nutritious human foodstuffs makes cows an irreplaceable asset when feeding a nation. Contrary to cows, horses are posterior fermenters, with their fermentation vat near the end of their digestive tract and here is the realworld difference.

Imagine 50 steers and 50 horses in a feedlot pen and then we toss in a couple crazy blue heelers. When the cow dogs chase the horses, they will run, kick, poop and spoof. Because each kick spikes abdominal pressure, the fermentation gasses burst out their backside between the horse apples. Posterior fermenters are loud spoofers.

Cows do not spoof, not because they are politer than horses but because they are anterior fermenters. Ruminal digestion, turning cheat grass into chuck roasts, produces a substantial amount of methane and CO2, but it is belched, not spoofed. When our blue heelers chase the steers, you will hear the stampeding critters emit a soft, suppressed cough caused by the methane irritating the larynx. A steer’s cow pie silently plops to the ground rendering anterior fermenters the poop Ninjas of the manure makers and this brings me to my point.

Claims to save the planet by regulating cow spoofs is like fingernails scrapping on a chalkboard to conservatives who know which end of the cow gets up first. Please stop! Because Rep. Ocasio-Cortez is a city-kid, bartender with a bachelor’s in international relations and economics, her life experiences are too limited to teach her the difference between horse apples and cow pies. She can regurgitate climate change talking points, but she is incapable of independent reasoning. Targeting cow flatulence is complete nonsense so she and her comrades must have ulterior motives behind their Green New Deal. They do. To empower the ruling elite in a socialist utopia, the dream called America must die.

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