In the dog house over gift for trophy wife

Krayton Kerns

Gift giving means I walk the fine line between living the dream and living in the dog house three times every year. Last December, I mentioned my $60 blender versus the $5,000 beaver blanket Christmas gift dilemma and with the trophy wife’s birthday and our anniversary both in August, I once again found myself conflicted. For Druann’s 58th, I wanted something as meaningful as a beaver blanket but priced closer to a blender. Wednesday afternoon, the local canine influenza epidemic subsided, so I sprinted to Time Out Sports for some speed shopping.
Druann and I run 35 to 50 miles per week and we have nearly every running trinket hanging on the pegs. I wandered the aisles pondering my options while fingering the merchandise. I thought, nothing says, “Happy Birthday Trophy Wife” like peanut butter gel packs spiked with caffeine, but since we have dropped sugar from our running ration they were a no-go. I kept searching.
Our morning runs begin in the dark, so I have a bright, red flashing strobe on the back of my headlamp. Druann had one, but its switch became so intermittent it shorted with each foot strike, so it went to the trash. Suddenly, I spotted a new strobe with a special switch requiring one to press firmly for four seconds to start or stop. At only $15, I had found the Holy Grail of trophy wife birthday presents, but I continued searching for that little something extra.
The door display had spiffy strobe-lit dog collars and leashes. Cash, our Border Collie runs with us, but her reflective collar has lost its pizzazz, so she needs a new one. I studied the collar before speaking loud enough to secure the opinions of the other shoppers, “My dog needs a new running collar. Can I give it to my wife as a birthday present so she can then give it to our dog?”
Both clerks, the Fed Ex man in the back room and all the shoppers simultaneously shouted, “No!” I was stunned and this brings me to my point. This wasn’t the first time everyone else was wrong and only I was right. My legislative experience taught me that just because the House floor vote was 99 to 1 does not mean this lone survivor was in error. In terms of constitutionality, I just might be right. I bought the strobe and the collar and will let you know if the courts uphold my decision.

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Wednesday, July 17, 2019
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