Cook rodents before eating

Krayton Kerns
Thursday, May 16, 2019
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Ramblings of a Conservative Cow Doctor

A barbeque can be dangerous when you light it and when you don’t. Example one: The wind was howling when the trophy wife tried to barbeque some hamburgers. She lifted the grill lid and opened the propane valve but every time she struck a match a gust extinguished our dinner plans. After exhausting a handful of matches, she sprinted back to the kitchen for more. Upon her return, she failed to notice the grill lid had blown shut, thereby filling the burning chamber with propane during her absence. She bent over, struck a match, stuck it into the lighting port and sparked an explosion blowing the cast-iron lid across the yard. Had Druann not been bent over, she might not have dodged the bullet. The grill was not so lucky.

Example two: A Mongolian couple recently suffered a mishap when they did not light their grill. Rather than cooking their dinner, the husband and wife consumed raw marmot meat; a folklore custom ensuring good health. The couple died because their furry good-luck charm harbored Yersinia pestis, the bacteria causing the plague. Had the prairie dog been cooked our story would have had a different outcome. It wasn’t and it doesn’t. The plague is endemic throughout Rocky Mountain rodents and it occasionally infects careless humans. Political winds suggest bubonic plague could become commonplace in America and here is why.

Venezuela proved socialism will choke a thriving economy, starve the unwashed all to fatten the ruling class. Desperate and starving Venezuelans have resorted to eating pets and zoo animals. Embracing socialism is to believe problems created by government, such as Obamacare, can be solved by more government, such as Medicare-For-All. Thinking American socialism will be successful while Venezuelan socialism failed assumes there is something inherently different between them and us. There is not. Rather than us as individual Americans, it is the natural rights, equality of opportunity, liberty and the limited government outlined in our founding documents which makes our republic exceptional. If we abandon freedom to embrace socialism, we too will starve which is why my grill safety advice is pertinent.

On Rimrock Road, west of Billings, Montana, resides a large prairie dog town. After starving residents have consumed farm animals, pets and wild game populations, these prairie dogs will become our protein source in our socialist feeding frenzy. Remember to grill, smoke, fry, bake or boil them because if you get the plague you might die standing in line to receive free government healthcare. And to think you voted us into this mess.

The Laurel Outlook


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