Calf-crop failure first sign something’s amiss

Krayton Kerns
Thursday, April 18, 2019
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Ramblings of a Conservative Cow Doctor

Every spring, a phone call from my Pryor Creek friend launches bull fertility testing season. Leftists who believe cow farts cause climate change will never follow this analogy but for normal people here is a routine bull fertility test revealing why I dread this time of year.

With the bull in a squeeze chute, the lucky veterinarian inserts his gloved arm in the bull’s rectum, empties it and palpates the seminal vesicles. The doctor then inserts a 4x14 inch electric probe in the bull’s rectum before crouching down to measure the bull’s scrotal circumference and palpate the testicles. Green doctors sometimes flip these two steps and measure the scrotum prior to plugging the global warming portal with the probe. (Green refers to the color of said veterinarian’s ear rather than his level of experience. This obvious sequence is not taught in vet school.) The doctor then moves to the bull’s side and drops to his knees to begin slowly pulsing a tiny electrical current through the probe. The 27 progressive pulses begin pleasurable but become more aggressive with each step. The semen sample is then evaluated for motility and defects. It sounds simple but remember, should the chute be rusty, or the 2,000-pound bull be particularly agitated, the whole works could explode at any second. It is not for the faint at heart.

This is pertinent because when constituents asked me to describe working in the Montana legislature I always replied, “It is like fertility testing bulls. It is miserable and there is a good chance something is going to get busted or someone is going to get hurt before day’s end. You best elect someone willing to do it right!” With the progressive epidemic sweeping America my previous remarks fall short, so I will expand on them.

Just because a bull passes a fertility test is no guarantee he is a breeder. Being trendy, he might test fine but identify as a cow and prefer chewing his cud in the shade. Calf-crop failure could be the first sign something is amiss, and this brings me to my point.

This same trans-representation occurs in the GOP. Candidates restrained in a chute on election day may campaign as Republicans but once elected and turned out with the cows they identify as Democrats. During my four sessions and in each of the three sessions since, Montana has had a Democrat governor with Republicans controlling both legislative chambers. Unfortunately, 15-20 Republicans were trans-partisan and vote with the Democrats. Because of this, our Treasure State has suffered crop failure for 14 years. This same obstacle occurs in every state legislature and Washington, D.C. Had enough?


Have you attended a ball game or track meet this spring?

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